Natural Born Loser Read online

  ‘Well, he did buy over fifty tickets,’ Randa says. ‘It’s a victory for Maths.’

  We take turns drawing out tickets until most of the prizes have been snapped up and so far none of the prefects have won anything, despite all the tickets we bought – so much for Randa’s theory.

  The three of us watch on hopefully as Zain draws out a ticket for the last prize, Charlotte’s hamper, but it goes to another kindergarten kid.

  ‘Ah, man, we ended up with nothing,’ he says with a sigh.

  ‘That’s all right,’ I say. ‘It’s probably just as well, so people can’t say it was rigged.’

  Randa laughs. ‘Do you ever stop being positive?’

  I touch my prefect badge and can feel the glow spread through me.

  ‘I can’t help it,’ I say. ‘It’s just one of my prefect powers.’

  Even a week later, everyone’s still talking about the Footy Fan Day. Teachers, kids and parents keep sharing stories about the water balloon fights or the soccer clinic.

  I walk through the school gates and past the new banner outside the office. I’ll never get used to seeing my face up there. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m a prefect after all these months. But I’m not the only one who’s changed. Kids here are waving to each other, being friendlier. There are fewer fights and troubles in the playground. It might still be hot, but it feels like a fresh breeze has swept away all the bad air, bullymons and scary vibes.

  I duck inside the office and find the other prefects sitting outside Mr Humble’s door.

  ‘Am I missing a prefects’ hangout?’ I say.

  Randa’s crossing her fingers on both hands. ‘No. We’re here to find out if we reached our target.’

  ‘Mr Humble promised us he’d have it done by today, remember?’ Ally says.

  ‘I can’t wait to colour the rest of our fundraising target,’ Zain says.

  The door opens and Mr Humble spots us. ‘Morning, prefects.’

  Ally stands up. ‘So, did we do it?’

  Mr Humble reads from the sheet of paper. ‘Our Footy Fan Day raised eleven and a half thousand dollars.’

  ‘That’s … seventeen and a half thousand bucks,’ Randa quickly calculates, her eyes darting up and down. You can just about hear the gears whirring around in her brain, then she frowns. ‘We need another four thousand bucks!’

  Zain colours in another eleven blocks of our tally, the excitement draining out of him.

  Mr Humble looks at us and then the target. ‘You should be incredibly proud,’ he says. ‘Most schools struggle to raise this much in one year and you’ve all done this in two months. I’ve never seen so many kids get behind a fundraising cause.’

  ‘We’re Barryjong United now, we can do anything,’ Zain says.

  Mr Humble’s pocket buzzes and he takes out his phone. ‘Excuse me, prefects.’ He moves back into his office.

  We walk around the playground, spreading the news about our latest total. I’d thought the kids would be crushed that we hadn’t reach our target yet, but everyone I meet is amazed.

  Naveed tugs my arm. ‘Hey, when’s the next fundraiser? I have a great idea for a cream pie throwing competition.’

  Britney, a Year Sixer gives me the thumbs up. ‘This means we can have more fun days,’ she says. ‘Let’s do a prankathon next term.’

  I crack up. ‘I might want to stay at home that day.’

  At Friday’s assembly, Mr Humble is nowhere to be found. The prefects and I run the whole show by ourselves. Randa brings us all on stage for the prefects’ spotlight and updates everyone about our target. ‘So we need another four thousand dollars,’ she says.

  Everyone sits there quietly. Maybe they’re stunned.

  There’s some noise outside and, like a Mexican wave, everyone turns their backs on us.

  ‘What’s going on? Are they going to boo us?’ Ally whispers.

  Zain hides behind Randa. ‘Or even worse, throw water balloons at us?’

  Then Mr Humble comes into the hall, followed by a tall lanky young guy with moppy brown hair and massive sideburns.

  ‘Barryjong Primary, we have a special guest,’ he says as he walks down the aisle.

  ‘Michael Kola!’ Zain screams. Suddenly every kid stands up and bows to the soccer star like he’s royalty. He must be a true wizard because he’s cast an awestruck spell over us.

  Zain falls to his knees. ‘You are a legend!’

  Randa steps in front of Zain and holds out her hand. ‘Nice to meet you, Mr Kola.’

  Trust Randa to take control. But when Michael takes her hand, Randa’s knees are shaking so much, she floats to the floor next to Zain.

  Michael lifts her back up and then moves over to the microphone. Zain gathers his wits and scrambles to his feet.

  ‘Aleks and the other youth players couldn’t stop talking about this cool school they went to, so I thought I should come and see it for myself,’ Michael says. ‘The club was so impressed with the passion of all the players and by how well you organised your Footy Fan Day. Congratulations.’ He steps over to shake the hands of all the prefects.

  ‘It was a team effort,’ Zain says when it’s his turn.

  Randa elbows him in the ribs. ‘Did Raymond dare you to say that?’

  ‘No, I dared myself,’ Zain says. ‘It’s something I learnt from Raymond.’

  Michael looks out to the whole school. ‘I contacted Mr Humble last week and he told me how you were fundraising for some air conditioners,’ he says. ‘So our club would like to donate a little something extra to help …’ He pulls out a cheque from inside his jacket. ‘I think this should cover the rest of your target.’

  ‘We did it!’ Ally yells, and then does a somersault on stage.

  The whole school cheers, standing up to stomp their feet, as though Michael Kola just scored a goal for us, which he has really. But he turns to us and gestures for us to come to the middle of the stage. ‘They’re clapping for you, prefects.’

  Zain beams from ear to ear. ‘Thanks, Michael.’

  When the cheering finally dies down, I turn to Mr Humble. ‘Can we give Michael a tour of the school?’ I ask. ‘After all, it is the prefects’ job to show special guests around.’

  ‘Sure,’ Mr Humble says. ‘And you can save Michael from being crushed by a hundred kids.’

  We carve a path through the crowd. Michael slaps every hand on the way out. He really is a living legend.

  ‘Aw, I wish I had something for him to sign,’ Zain mutters.

  ‘I already thought of that,’ Randa says. ‘There were some leftover posters from last week’s Fan Day in the office.’

  ‘I’m glad you’re a prefect, Randa Panda,’ Zain says.

  ‘Same here,’ Randa says.

  After giving Michael a quick tour around, we head back to the office for a special morning tea organised by the office ladies where Michael happily signs all our posters. Zain gets him to sign his school cap too. We take a few photos then Michael heads off to a training session, thanking us for a great morning.

  Once the car disappears, Zain stares down at his cap. ‘Now this is the ultimate prefect’s perk.’

  I look at my three friends. They’re my ultimate prefect perk, I think.

  On the way out of school that day, everyone waves at Gina and me.

  ‘Thanks for getting the air con for me, big bruh,’ Gina says, holding my hand.

  ‘It wasn’t just me, it was all of us,’ I say.

  Naveed’s at the school gates. He slaps my hand in a high five.

  ‘I want to be a prefect, just like you someday,’ he says.

  ‘Maybe you will,’ I say.

  ‘You make me feel like anybody could be a prefect,’ he says. ‘Cause you’re just one of us.’

  I smile at Naveed and squeeze Gina’s hand.

  Maybe that’s the main reason Mr Humble picked me. I was a natural born loser, a nobody, but I was a nobody who believed in Barryjong. Now I’ve become somebody worth following.
r />   Wowee, cHEwY gum gums (aka my fans), it’s been a long time coming, but Natural Born Loser is finally out! My eighth cHEwY creation has been knocked around for the last few years with several rewrites. As they say, nobody’s prefect (haha), so I’m eternally grateful for my cHEwY crew who have encouraged me throughout Natural Born Loser’s evolution.

  Starting from the top, my agent, Brian Cook, and my editor, Heather Curdie, who have seen this story in many forms. I’m thankful for your comments and feedback in bringing out the best in Raymond and his friends.

  A heartfelt thanks to the Penguin Random House team for all your dedication and making me feel like a natural born winner (haha); in particular Laura Harris, Dorothy Tonkin, Zoe Bechara and Tina Gumnior. Plus the dynamic designing duo of Evi O and Susan Le, thank you both for a dazzling cover and some SONICool illustrations.

  A massive shout out to my beloved friends in different worlds; my author and illustrator buddies in the CBCA and SCBWI, and my old-school pals who keep giving me ammo for stories and characters after all these years – from the original C gang (Dazza, Ryan, Stefan, Mandee, Tina and Elena), my uni-teacher friends (Christy, Carol, Hanna, Raymond) and others like Michele Lim, Veronica Lee and cHHuY of course. There’s a reason why you all keep getting mentioned because you all keep me going on my cHEwY journey.

  And to all my cHEwY gums gums who I meet at schools, festivals and conferences around Australia and the world. Thanks for following me on Instagram and Twitter too (@oliverwinfree). I am blessed to have a job where I get to use my imagination, travel, make kids and adults laugh, and spread the joy of reading and writing (with gaming and eating burgers in between, hehe).

  A special thanks to my family, Mum, Dad and Anna, who have been with me from the start. Finally, to my wife, Kung, who is my biggest cHEwY gum gum of all. Thank you for all your teas and sweet treats to keep me chugging along. You really are my cherry berry!

  OLIVER PHOMMAVANH is a Thai-Australian writer who has worked as a primary school teacher and comedian, and now spends his time writing and sharing his passion with kids, engaging them with humour.

  His first book, Thai-riffic!, was published to critical acclaim, followed by Con-nerd, Punchlines, Thai-no-mite!, Ethan in the Stuff Happens series, The Other Christy and Super Con-nerd.

  Visit Oliver at his website: oliverwriter.com

  Oliver is also a committed ambassador for Room to Read, an innovative global non-profit that seeks to transform the lives of millions of children in ten developing countries through its holistic Literacy and Girls’ Education programs. See more at roomtoread.org

  Also by Oliver Phommavanh

  Thai-riffic!

  Con-nerd

  Punchlines

  Thai-no-mite!

  Ethan (Stuff Happens series)

  The Other Christy

  Super Con-nerd

  THAI-RIFFIC!

  Lengy is Thai, and his parents run a restaurant named Thai-riffic!

  Lengy’s favourite food? Pizza

  Recipe for Pizza? Call Barilla’s Pizzeria and order. Wait.

  Recipe for a normal life? Take one mum and dad and an annoying little brother. Add a new school, friends and a wacko teacher, and stir in some crazy adventures. Mix well.

  Stir-fry in a hot wok. Laugh out loud.

  Enjoy!

  THAI-NO-MITE!

  Lengy’s is still always craving pizza and hot chips, which is tricky when your parents run a Thai restaurant.

  Their idea of a holiday destination? You guessed it – Thailand to visit all the relatives!

  Recipe for surviving the planning? A heap of good luck and plenty of Thai-no-mite!

  Phew! You’ll need a holiday after this …

  CON-NERD and SUPER CON-NERD

  It’s one small step for nerds, one giant leap to being cool.

  Connor’s mum tells him he’s gifted and talented. But he knows the truth. He’s just a nerd. He’s supposed to become a doctor, but he has a deep dark secret: he wants to be a cartoonist. But will his mother ever see that it’s his true destiny?

  Con-nerd is a totally engaging and hilarious story, set in the last year of primary school, about a boy finding his own special talents and having the confidence to use them.

  Super Con-nerd takes up where Con-nerd left off – a funny and insightful take on Connor starting at a high school where there are way better nerds than him. Suddenly he doesn’t feel so bright anymore. Will he ever have time for his real destiny – drawing comic books?

  THE OTHER CHRISTY

  A touching and funny tale about quirky families, baking sweet desserts and two girls who find out they have a lot more in common than just their name. Could Christy’s tormenter, Christie, really become her friend?

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  Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

  First published by Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd, 2018

  Text copyright © Oliver Phommavanh 2018

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  Design by Evi O. Studio/Susan Le © Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd

  Illustrations by Evi O. Studio/Evi O. & Susan Le

  Colour separation by Splitting Image Colour Studio, Clayton, Victoria

  ISBN: 9781742538563

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